*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
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Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Life with a cat in one tweet
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
why am I working on Labor Day
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.