A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
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*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My spirit animal is fried chicken
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before