A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
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Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.