A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
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Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.