@MommaUnfiltered: A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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@MableGertrude: I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.
@Black__Elvis: My boss told me if I kept showing up late he'd give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he know about my tastes in women's underwear?
@Kyle_Lippert: *brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
@Rollinintheseat: Doctor's office: "Can you fax us your information?" Me: "Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number."