@MommaUnfiltered: A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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@joe_binkley: (Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse) Friends: Are you sure you've played water polo before?
@AristotlesNZ: Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?! Him: "Nothing. I'm good." WHEN DO WE WANT IT? "Seriously, knock it off." I GOT A NEW BULLHORN! "I can see that..
@wittwitbarista: By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I'm able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.