A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.