A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
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Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
There is no try. There is only give up.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”