A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
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Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.