[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
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boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines