A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
This pepper has seen some shit
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Merica.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia