@gerryhallcomedy: A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as "ruthless" since then. People are pissed.
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@kentgrossarth: Boss: Is that beer? You're not supposed to drink at work! Me: You're not supposed to cheat on your wife. Boss: You're doing a great job.
@thepunningman: "So how are the anger management classes?" We have to crochet stuff when we get mad "Sounds stupid" [I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
@KoKeniSasquatch: Dear Grocery store clerk, What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?
@3sunzzz: [aquarium] *penguin strapped on my back* Ma'am, is that a penguin on your back? No, it's just a backpack. Oh, WHAT'S IN IT?! um, fish