[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
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the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Yup.
❤️❤️❤️
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
You can’t rush stupid.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff