A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
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Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”