A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
You Might Also Like
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Oh no
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Skills