Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
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My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I wish this was real life…
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no