@OBiiieeee: a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i'd be able to love again
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@good2go013: How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1. Put some headphones in your pocket. 2. Wait one minute. Ta Da !
@ElgatoEsmio: [DUI checkpoint] Cop: I'm gonna need you to follow my finger Me: As long as it doesn't tweet inspirational stuff
@VestaTot: There's a little girl's voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don't mind her; she died years ago. Here's your blanket.