a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
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*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My current situation
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…