a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow