A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Jurassic park gets weird
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water