A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Social distancing in Australia:
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain