A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
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It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR