A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
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How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.