A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
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If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.