@PretendMaker: A girl's tinder bio said "I would die without food" uh okay me too
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@goldengateblond: Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
@ranndrew: [Job Interview] "It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?" *Eats rice with chop sticks* "Holy shit! When can you start?!"
@internetluke: [i fall down the stairs & break my back] Me: Siri, call me 911 Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on Me: haha nice Siri: thanks 911
@UncleDuke1969: "Here's Ted with the weather." "..." "I said... Here's Ted with the weather." "..." "Ted?" "THAT's what an unanswered text feels like, Sue."