a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
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Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
me logging onto twitter
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
this could fix me
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.