A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
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ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Good morning!
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Pretty much. 🤣
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.