I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
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doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
What about a To-Don’t List?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”