Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
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Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline