A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
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Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend