A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
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*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Baller is short for ballerina
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”