@zachreinert03: A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
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@nbadag: DATE: [whispering in my ear] i've got a secret ME: [also whispering] is it tacos DATE: [giggles] no ME: can it be tacos
@dlockw21: TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight. Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest? TSA: ....