A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
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I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
no regrets
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
How did we not see this back then?
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Finally, an explanation.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.