A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
You Might Also Like
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
This one’s “Alex”.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?