A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
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If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.