Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
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I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it