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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Time heals everything 🙂
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
😂😂😂
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
hmmm