A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
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Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks