A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
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Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
So, can we agree on 4 or
i dont have time for this
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.