A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
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Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN