A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
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I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
new record!
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.