@Bearslietoo: A good sign that you're not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.
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@FuckabillyRex: If you didn't wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn't have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.
@uncle_fescue: Buddy: her boyfriend was killed? Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I'm like, who even kills horses like that?
@Iwriteforcats: [Travels back in time] Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future? Lincoln: United as one nation... Me: Wrong! FATTER.
@Rollmaninoz: *ship enters earth atmosphere* Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on* *Ed Sheeran 'Shape Of You' plays* Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG