@MikeCanRant: A good way to break up with a girl gently is to curtsy when youre meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
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@OfficialMizGin: Reasons to carry a handkerchief: 3) You’ve never heard of tissues 2) You’re doing a magic trick 1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
@Courtniss_: There's a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
@Mikecanrant: I like having fun with strangers in elevators by slowly moving my finger towards the emergency stop button while maintaining eye contact.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Guess what I did Me: Captured Bigfoot? Wife: I got a great deal on kid's clothes Me: Just so I'm clear, Bigfoot is still out there?