TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
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People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS