A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
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Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Bros before Ohioes
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I really had high hopes for this year though
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event