A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”