@krissywillbretz: A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout "HOLE!" after every chorus of "Glory, Glory, Glory".
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@sirmunchie: My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn't just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
@eyeswidebutt: [on phone] mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it 'pokey-man'
@Lisa_Laughs_: I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I'm like on 756.