A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
You Might Also Like
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I can also cook 😂
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car