a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
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Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day