Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
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Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.