@dumbbeezie: A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail
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@birbigs: "You're joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?" -Jesus
@j88ess: Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person
@TotallyAllen: HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, "Such a shame this is all just gonna burn."
@ilovepie84: I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.