them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
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Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Erm I’m gonna say no
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
what’s more important?
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Don’t we all.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*