@dumbbeezie: A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail
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@OfficialMizGin: There’s nothing more disappointing for a woman than finding out a bearded guy in a flannel shirt is a hipster and not a lumberjack.
@david8hughes: Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: I'm just gonna nap for an hour then
@dumbbeezie: Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons