rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
wish me luck lads
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds