@weinerdog4life: A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
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@McMcmadmac: My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
@zachreinert03: Hey people who say 'I want my funeral to be like this': what are you going to do about it if they don't do it like that?
@blainecapatch: whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he's taking a pretty nasty shit in there.