A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
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Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.