A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
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Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
pizza
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?