A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
grotesque if literal: baby food
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.