@weinerdog4life: A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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@daemonic3: [date] HER: Any hobbies? ME: I collect old comics HER: Oh! Like 1st editions? ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
@thepunningman: [boardroom] "Now hear me out. They're Teenage.." Ok "Mutant.." I like where this is going "Ninja.." Noun me, Graham! "Turtles" You're fired
@JensenClan88: I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
@TheGladStork: When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.