@weinerdog4life: A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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@AbbyHasIssues: I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
@FrenulumBreve: *Britney Spears releases a new fragrance* *the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
@BuckyIsotope: ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that