A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”