A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?