A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
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I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents