A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
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My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”