A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN